I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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