I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize