D3 body, D1 cock
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
