Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
