My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
