I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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