We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize