I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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