ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
