I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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