How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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