I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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