Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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