im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
