I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
