Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Yo dont text me then not text me
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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