well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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