I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
