My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
