mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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