dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
