Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
