Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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