Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
