your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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