Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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