Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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