I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
It's Friday. Sex?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
