Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
