i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
