I hate your face
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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