just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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