I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
