I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
