I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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