I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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