I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
