I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
