she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
