I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
