God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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