I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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