they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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