I CAN MOONWALK!
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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