You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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