you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
