All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
