i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
