I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
i out mim tonsoeep
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