I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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