I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
