the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
