My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My vagina is officially offended.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
