At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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