Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize