i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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