allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
