is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize