Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
