i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize