This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
