In the future we'll all be gay
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
