I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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