Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
