So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize