I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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