Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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